“Look, It’s Simple–
God Hates Fat People”
“I Hold Your Only Hope Of A Thin And Holy Body...
And When I Say Holy, I Don't Mean Full Of Holes
Like All Those Iraqi Civilians...I Mean God Holy...
Like Me...And Maybe Jerry Falwell, Too”
— PRESIDENT GEORGE DUBYA BUSH
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“This CD...is one of the biggest pieces of... information pertaining to a healthy diet...in...ever!” “It was like learning to hear all over again.” “I think The Bush Diet is better than War And Peace. Especially that peace part.” “First water to wine, now dis. Will miracles ever cease? Yeah...I guess day weal.” “Without a doubt, a CD...” |
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Disclaimer: This is not an actual diet. Following these instructions may result in having your kidneys come out during your next bowel movement. We really have no idea. This is a comedy CD that lampoons all the lovely and endearing qualities of our one and only President. We also give Clinton, Rove, and Pat Robertson a well-deserved spanking. Fear not—this is rated PG. Now, read on and find out what Dubya (lie) has to say about this seminal work of art (lie)...it's monkey-barrel funny. (true.) |
“More Hysterical Than Global Warming!”
— VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY
“See My 67% Guarantee Below!!”
— ME AGAIN...GEORGE W.
From The Desk Of The President
Dear Glutton,
If you are as disgusted with yourself as God is with you, and the majority of the world is with me, then I have some treposterious news for you. I have the solutions to all the world's fatties in my new masterpiece, The Bush Diet. I wrote it, that's why it's called that.
Like The Bible, The Bush Diet will live through the ages, and probably start dozens of cults. Now, I may not be Jesus, but at least my book is a lot shorter than the one He wrote. Plus mine's on what they call a "C.D.", which is a super-duper high-techie dealy even Jesus forgot to use.
What's the secret "wire-tapped inside info" on The Bush Diet? Well, why don't I let a few people you may know already tell you themselves...
“No actual ‘bush’, but it's still a winner...”
“Dubya out-did himself on this masterpiece of culinary wisdom. I can say without any fear of purgery that this diet is far superior to the Mickey D’s Diet I religiously followed during my tenure as you President. It just doesn’t have any actual ‘bush’ in it. Oh well.”
— President William Jefferson “Slick Willy” Clinton
“I vant to tell you something about dis audio...”
“I've been massive, and massively involved in diet books, supplement gimmicks, steroid abuse, and even 1970’s-style nudity. But never have I seen or heard anything like The Bush Diet when it comes to getting da body and firm, rock-hard, non-cushy buttocks you vant.”
— Ahhhnold Schwarzenegger, Ruler of California
“Four score and seven years ago...”
“... our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so...”
— Abraham Lincoln, who was unavailable for comment
“Ouhs, yhmmmm spkucky gumgum...”
Editor’s Note: We have no idea what former Exxon CEO Lee Raymond was trying to say. Reports indicate he was consuming a wild boar at the same time he was commenting. Apparently his fingers were in his mouth and/or the boar’s intestinal track while he regurgitated his testimony. We’ll just assume he lost 9.7 ounces on The Bush Diet.
“Funnier Than ‘Personal Privacy’!”
— KEITH ALEXANDER, HEAD OF THE N.S.A.
Since you're probably like those pesky committees I have to answer to, I've decided to reveal my top-secret CD contents, along with some samples to enlighten your soul. Maybe you'll have what's called a "etiphany". That's where you see messages from God in your Cherrios and then decide to start wars and stuff. I really like my etiphanys. They seem to annoy Democrats.
WARNING: If you don't pass these MP3s on to your friends, I will find a way to get re-elected in 2008.
ANOTHER WARNING: No, really...pass these samples to friends using the currently unlegislated Internet just to show how witty and cool you are. Remember: I'm the President. I can have your hair removed and put in Rumsfeld's head anytime I feel like it. Obey me...or I'll outlaw Santa.
27 Life-altering, Gut-busting
Audio Tracks!
Click on any track that's a link for a sample MP3.
No charge, but I will tap your phone.
- Introduction
- 1. Tuesdays With Jehovah (3:02)
- 2. Pigosity Causes Global Warming (3:09)
- 3. Foreword by Bill Clinton (4:32)
- Chapter A
- 4. God Hates Fat People (2:59)
- 5. The W.A.Y. And The Truth (2:56)
- Chapter 1
- 6. Killing Brownies (2:08)
- 7. Fat Is Sticky...And Alive, According To Pat Robertson (4:29)
- 8. The Ozone Hole In The Leaky Gut Syndrome (2:38)
- 9. Calk And The Oil Crisis (2:33)
- Chapter 2
- 10. Another September The 10th (1:59)
- 11. Do Not Eat Satan (2:43)
- 12. Vegetenarian Placenta (1:38)
- 13. Kale Comes From Yale (1:57)
- Chapter 3
- 14. A Sweaty Bush (1:42)
- 15. Child Trafficking Tickets (2:26)
- 16. See Bush Squat (1:34)
- 17. Pop Your Fat Bubbles (1:47)
- 18. Avoid The Smelly Parts (1:32)
- Chapter 4
- 19. Run A.W.A.Y. (1:51)
- 20. Operation Deserter Storm (1:39)
- 21. How To Run (In Under 42,900 Words) (1:37)
- 22. A Gayless Pair of Shoes (1:27)
- 23. Pagan Mediation (2:00)
- 24. A Prayer In The Bush (2:40)
- Conclusion
- 25. Bush For Sale (3:50)
- 26. A Wilted Bush Needs Some Rove (5:22)
- 27. Roverland, The Musical (1:28)
Order Today And I'll Pull The Troops
Out Of Iraq In Your Lifetime
>>> Only $14.99!! <<<
- The Perfect Gag Gift For Your Friends!
- Cutting-edge Humor Without The "R" Rating!
- The Ultimate "Gotcha" Christmas Stocking Stuffer!
- A Frat House Dream Come True!
- Professional Sound-Alikes And Studio Recorded!
(Note: The creators of The Bush Diet, Trent Tyler and Greg Bair, will donate 10% of all profits from this comedy CD to Move On: Democracy In Action. Move On is focused on discovering alternative energy sources and progressive health care…and that is no joke.)
And, When You Order In
The Next 1.37 Minutes...
Yours Free: The Bush/Gore Global Warming Debate (with Bill Clinton)!!
Find out what Bush and Gore REALLY think about “global warming”...and try to ignore Clinton as much as possible as he “moderates” this landmark debate. Seriously (or in the words of Al Gore, “serially”) this is a freakin' hilarious spoof of a debate between “two American Presidents”...our very own Dubya, and Al Gore. Oh, and Willy, too. And, you don't have to wait for it, you lazy Democrat...I'll send it to you by email link right after you order!
Yours FREE...So Order Now!
It's me...George again...
Look plumpy, let me cut to the car chase. The Bush Diet CD makes for a great gift! You need to buy more than one...like maybe a Baker's Dozen. That's like...10. Heck, my top science advisors and my dogs all love it. If it's good enough for mutts who lick their privates (my science advisors), then it's more than good enough for you.
Almost sincerely yours,
George Dubya Bush
The President and Leader of the Entir...er...Free World (I mean America, by the way...not Iraq)
P.S. If you order today, I'll toss in this free bumper sticker! Check it out below. Listen, someone in the White House had to pay good money for that, so be grateful, fatso. I could just threaten you with nukes rather than give you a cheap...er, wonderful bribe.
YOURS FREE —
THIS WHITE TRASH BUMPER STICKER!
P.P.S. If you are a minority, feel free to put this sticker on the trunk or body of your car rather than the actual bumper. We've come to expect it.